Apparently you make a good broom.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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