she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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