Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
