i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I deserve this hangover.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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