If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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