I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
