At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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