He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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