Do you still have your period?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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