highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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