Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
