True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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