Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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