When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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