I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Who wears a wallet chain?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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