one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
