dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
someone owes me an orgasm
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
