Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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