Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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