And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
