No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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