True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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