so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
