Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize