My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
