It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
