Even the bartender felt bad for me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
