I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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