good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
