So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
