Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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