This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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