Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
