Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
