Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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