My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
