$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
