i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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