You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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