I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
