I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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