wrigley field is MILF paradise
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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