True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
