Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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