Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
