I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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