buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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