I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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