So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
