I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
