The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
