I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
