I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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