Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
