Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
