my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
