I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
