I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
