I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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