i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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