Im at strip club and am horny
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
