I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
