Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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