biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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