all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
splinters make it hard to masturbate
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
