I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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