Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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